Entitlement Hurts Children and Parents

In my new book, I tell the story of some friends whose daughter lost a significant part of her portfolio in the 2008 financial downturn. Their daughter had promised her own children that they could go to horseback riding camp the following summer.
Instead of explaining to her children about why she couldn’t afford to send them to camp, the daughter approached my friends, her parents, and suggested they provide the money for their grandchildren instead of taking their own long planned cruise.

This is an example of how entitlement cascades from generation to generation if no one heads it off. Entitlement is a one-way mindset, a pattern of focusing on what we are owed in all relationships without awareness of our own obligations. Children raised with entitlement, rather than learning a sense of personal responsibility, believe the world revolves around them. When it comes to grandchildren, this can present even more of a problem.

Children and grandchildren need to learn the meaning of the words “We can’t afford it.” When you can’t afford, on your own, to do something, you explain to your children  that they can’t have something until you can afford it, or until they earn the money to do it. Children can handle disappointment if you’re straight with them.

How else can you prepare children for the real world? And why should two grandparents give up a trip they’ve been planning for themselves to send their grandchildren to horseback riding camp? And why would their daughter expect them to do so? You’ll be happy to know they didn’t do it. Wisdom may be late in coming, but better late than never.

A Mother's Day Gift

A mother is a terrible thing to waste. To all adult children who point to their mother as the focal point of their life’s misfortunes, this is a Mother’s Day wake-up call. 

Millions of adult children spend millions of dollars on the therapists couch, reviewing and ruminating about everything their mother did or didn’t do, does or doesn’t do. These adults, many with children of their own, don’t see themselves as the imperfect human their own mother is.

If Mom is still alive, they dread spending time with her or remove themselves from her life altogether. If she’s already gone, they may feel relieved that they don’t have to put up with her anymore. 

I think that mother blaming should have, like meat, produce and dairy products, an expiration date. The mother who didn’t measure up to demands or expectations earlier may not be able to do it now. She’s caught in her own circle of pain for things she may or may not know she did, or if she knows, she may not know how to forgive herself. 

Call your Mom on Mother’s Day, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve spoken with her. Tell her that you’d once again like to share your life with her. Tell her you’ve learned some things, grown a lot, and want to reconnect. The thing about a mother’s heart is that it’s infinitely elastic when it comes to love. 

It’s the 40/70 rule. If you’re 40 and your Mom is 70, it’s time to mend two broken hearts. 

Tags: blame, forgiveness, Mom, mother, mother love, reconnect, therapy

What Great Grandma Remembers

When Loretta moved from assisted living to nursing care at age 92, she knew the space around her bed would be smaller. She had to choose which framed photos to take with her.  She selected a group photo of her three children, eight grandchildren and three great grandchildren taken a few years ago at her 90th birthday party.


On the wall in front of her bed, her family placed Loretta's university diplomas, her law degree and a certificate designating her qualification to argue cases at the Supreme Court. So much of Loretta's identity related to those accomplishments. She had been in the vanguard of women who had a career and raised a family before the two generations that followed her considered it commonplace.

While Loretta had resided in the assisted living area of the home, she could still move around, meet the other people, eat in the dining room and participate in social activities. Now, she had trouble swallowing and needed to be fed with a tube. She had never been a whiner. Her mind was sharp: she knew she had to do this if she wanted to stay alive. Her first great granddaughter was taking the bar exam; Loretta wanted to live to congratulate her. Loretta stared at the diplomas on the wall in front of her and savored her memories.

Loretta is leaving a legacy for her family which no amount of money could have provided. In life, and now moving towards death, Loretta is doing it her way. Frank Sinatra would have loved her!

I wish I could have interviewed Loretta for my book Money Love and Legacy: Conversations that Matter between Generations. But you can meet others like her in the pages.