I'm Right; You're Wrong

The poet Walt Whitman wrote in Leaves of Grass  "Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am vast; I contain multitudes." 

I always thought this line was an open ended invitation to growth, a path that recognizes new ways of thinking about and doing things to incorporate learning. Whitman's line runs along in my mind with a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson's from his essay Self-Reliance "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines."

So I'm impressed when someone says "I used to think this way, but the more I learn, the more I reallize there are many ways to look at something...and I've changed my mind about my original position." 

Some people can't do that. They are stuck with an original position, often formed to protect a life's narrative in which others are to blame for their shortcomings or ills. Parents get caught in this trap, as do spouses, bosses, children or anyone who is snared in another's web of certainty.

When we start with " I know..." instead of " I believe...", we shut outself off from new input. Someone who knows needs no more information. I believe people who 'know' have a difficult time maintaining friendships, love relationships and an ability to deal with a universe where change is the only constant. 

I believe knowing you're right means you're stuck. 

Tears at a Father's Funeral

How many people lost their father since last Fathers Day? I know two brothers who buried their father last week. 

Their father and mother were divorced 30 years ago under difficult circumstances. The boys remained close to their mother and rarely saw their father except at holiday dinners . 

When their father took ill a few years ago, the older brother, busy with his company and his own family, shunted responsiblity for helping his father onto his younger brother. The younger son, an attorney, found a home for their father, who at that point was entering the early stages of dementia. He found a caretaker for him and visited as often as he could. 

At the funeral last week, the older son cried as he remembered his father. 'He was an ace tennis player, a pilot, and played the piano beautifully. He taught me to drive, to fly, and to enjoy life. Because of him, I went into business for myself, applying what I'd learned from him to making the business grow." 

The younger son, an attorney who had been much closer to his mother, had no tears yet. He was still in denial, beating himself up that he hadn't done more to help him. 

Nicolas Kristof, writing in today's New York Times, ends his moving piece with "Speak and hug from your heart and soul - while there is still time."

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/20/opinion/20kristof.html?hp

For the two brothers who lost their father last week, time had run out. They will always wonder what they could have said while there was still time.

Parents and Courage

Six months ago, 16-year-old Abby Sunderland set sail from California. Her goal was to beat the record set by her brother, Zac, who sailed solo around the world in 2009 at the age of 17.
Her parents were criticized for their decision to allow her to make the attempt. They claimed she was prepared, mentally and emotionally, to deal with the challenge.


A few days ago, Abby wrote in her blog that she was experiencing several days of rough weather and her boat "was rolling around like crazy". Her family lost contact with her for  20 hours before she was found yesterday.  


I followed her blog posts from the beginning. I was awed by her courage and fortitude. She was so different from many of the teenagers I meet who are immersed in texting, friending, shopping and hanging out. 


I don't know if I could have done what Abby's parents did. I would have feared losing my children. My focus would have been on 'my loss' rather than on 'their dream'. 


Could Abby's dream be an extraordinary case of sibling rivalry, a desire to best her older brother? I don't think so. I think her parents, who knew that their daughter was ready, trusted her character and ability. They believed she should have the same chance as her brother. It's called equal opportunity and it begins in the home.


Abby and Zac are remarkable people. So are their parents. who provided them with a legacy of trust,belief in themselves and the courage and love to let them go. http://tinyurl.com/

Warren Buffett on Love

I admire Warren Buffett, not because of his wealth, but because of his lack of pretention. He doesn't believe that giving money to his kids equates with giving them love. He wanted them to carve out their own path.He believed that 'setting them up with unlimited wealth is harmful and an anti-social act.'

His decision to donate nearly $37 billion to the Gates Foundation may have shocked the world, but it came as no surprise to his three children, whom he'd consulted first. 

A few years ago, his children, Susan, Howard and Peter said they supported their father's decision not to leave all his money to them. http://abcnews.go.com/print?id=2133209

"The truth is it would be insane to leave us that much money," said Susan Buffett. "

Buffett gave about $1 billion total to his children's three charitable foundations: the Susan A. Buffett Foundation, which focuses on early education for children of low-income families; the Howard G. Buffett Foundation, which has helped 42 countries; and the Novo Foundation, Peter Buffett's organization for democracy.

Each Buffett sibling also recently received a letter from their father in which he wrote: "I consider myself lucky to have three children who want to spend much of their time and energy working on projects that will benefit others. I am proud of what you are doing and your mother would be proud as well. Love, Dad." 

That's love, Buffett style.