The Ripple Effect

I was walking my dog a few days ago when I saw a tall blonde woman walking towards me with small slow steps. Holding a cane in one hand, and the leash of her large dog in the other, she seemed to be a paradox - a image of fashion, beauty, youth and vigor, yet she was taking small steps with a cane. 

"He's friendly", she called out reassuringly. I loosened the hold on my dog's leash. The dogs began their get acquainted ritual and we chatted a bit. Her name is Lois. I learned that she was recovering from a broken back injury, sustained when she fell down a flight of hardwood stairs. I asked how it happened. "There was some mud on my husband's shoe after he walked the dog. It blended into the dark wood. He didn't see it, I didn't see it, and I slipped," she explained.

"It's no one's fault. It just happened. I feel so lucky that it wasn't worse," Lois continued with a wide smile. "I used to run with the dog, but he's learned to walk slowly with me. After two years of surgeries and rehab, I'm walking again. How great is that?"

We exchanged names and I said I'd look forward to seeing her again on the walking path. I haven't seen her again, but I hope I do. I want to thank her for reminding me of something I know, but to which I pay too little attention. 

It's not what happens to us, but what we tell ourselves about what happens to us, that makes all the difference. I'll try to remember that the next time I get irritated about something that wouldn't even register on Lois' scale.

Older, Wiser and Happier

Feeling unhappy? Hang in there. According to a Gallup survey of 340,000 people between ages 18 and 85, the older we get, the happier we feel.

The survey asked various questions about age and sex, current events, personal finances, health and other matters and asked each person to rank overall life satisfaction on a 10-point scale.

There were also six yes-or-no questions: Did you experience the following feelings during a large part of the day yesterday: enjoyment, happiness, stress, worry, anger, sadness.

The survey found that people at age 18 feel pretty good about themselves until life throws them curve balls until they hit 50. At that point, there is a sharp reversal. By the time they are 85, they are even more satisfied with themselves than they were at 18.

The study was not designed to figure out which factors make people happy, and the poll’s health questions were not specific enough to draw any conclusions about the effect of disease or disability on happiness in old age.

“It could be that there are environmental changes,” said Arthur A. Stone, the lead author of a new study based on the survey, “or it could be psychological changes about the way we view the world, or it could even be biological — for example brain chemistry or endocrine changes.”

But the researchers did look at four possibilities: the sex of the interviewee, whether the person had a partner, whether there were children at home and employment status. “These are four reasonable candidates,” Dr. Stone said, “but they don’t make much difference.”

It seems that happiness and wrinkles go hand in hand.

http://tinyurl.com/34ulxuw

Grandpas and Golddiggers

George Johnson is 74-years-old. He recently sold the business he founded 30 years earlier. He has three children and five grandchildren. He was widowed three years ago when his wife died of cancer. 

A year later, his children encouraged him to join a gym, make new friends, get out more, maybe even resume the ballroom dancing he used to enjoy with his wife. Hesitant at first because it felt disloyal to his late wife, George did join a dance group and started to participate twice a week . 

He met Lori, a widow with whom he enjoyed dancing. They became steady dance partners; the relationship blossomed. One day, George announced to his children that he and Lori planned to marry. 

His children immediately branded Lori as a gold digger. They set out to make sure that their inheritance would be safe from Lori when their father died. They never got the chance. George forestalled a situation that families allow to fester for years. 

He refused to tolerate the children's rude treatment of Lori. He told them what was in his will, what each of them would inherit and what he would provide for Lori. He maintained, firmly but politely, that he enjoyed being with Lori, and if his children couldn't be polite about his choice, that was their problem. 

Good for George! 

The Womb. Your Mother. Yourself.

A few days ago, I met a mother with a beautiful, calm six-month-old baby who smiled and cooed during the three hours we spent together. I commented about her baby's temperament and was surprised when she answered "When I found out I was pregnant, I decided to cut out as much stress as I could from my life." Would that we all could be so lucky.

The cover story of this week's Time Magazine describes a new area of scientific research called fetal origins, the study of the environment inside the womb before a baby is born.http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,2020815,00.html

Scientists see evidence that genetics is only part of the equation. Intrauterine factors such as the mother's stress level, nutrition, emotions and physical environment contribute as much to her baby's life-long temperament and health as its DNA. 

I suspect that, as the science of fetal origins unfolds, we will have a new wave of mothers blaming themselves for things beyond their control. Eating right, keeping their weight in check, and not drinking or smoke won't do it. They will also have to think good thoughts, lest negative emotions produce chemical substances that can harm the fetus. What a huge responsibility!

On the other hand, it could be liberating to think that the best parental intentions after birth didn't stand a chance in the first place

Any Father, Any Daughter

Robert Schimmel, 60, comedian and frequent guest of Howard Stern and Conan O'Brien, died in a Phoenix hospital after suffering serious injuries in a car accident last night.

Schimmel was a passenger Thursday in a car driven by his 19-year-old daughter Aliyah, who swerved to avoid another car. The vehicle she was driving rolled to the side of the freeway. Aliyah is in the hospital in stable condition. Hopefully, she will recover from her physical injuries. Her emotional injuries will take longer. 

We'll never know what kind of a conversation father and daughter might have been having. They could have been arguing. Or laughing. Or planning something; normal,  activities we do everyday with our family. She could have been talking on her cell, responding to a text or an instant message. 

Robert Schimmel could be any father. Aliyah could be any daughter. In the dailiness of life, death can happen to any of us, anytime, but we assume it won't. If we plan an event, we expect to be there. If we part in anger, we take it for granted that we can set it right. Later.

But not always. Life is random, perhaps just luck that our heart beats insteads of stops, that our breath is followed by another, that we will get the chance to set things right before someone we love dies.

Living is filled with ordinary moments. But not always.

Hostage to Her Husband’s Superstition

Some superstitions are harmless, like knocking on wood, carrying a rabbit’s foot or hoping that if you get on a plane with your right foot that the plane won’t crash. I do this last one myself. Silly, but harmless unlike other superstitions that are serious and affect other people. 

For example, the millions of husbands who are superstitious about estate planning and therefore, refuse to do it . Or do it partway but won’t sign all of the papers. Like Ed, whose wife Cynthia, is held hostage by his superstition.

Ed believes that if he signs the durable powers of attorney which are part of their estate plan, God is watching and will snuff him out. Because of Ed’s superstition, Cynthia won’t be able to act on his behalf if he can’t make medical or financial decisions for himself. His adult children from his first marriage will be making those decisions unless he signs the papers giving Cynthia those powers. 

“Ed signed the other papers, but still won’t sign the durable powers of attorney. He says he will, but when I remind him that the planning isn’t complete unless he does sign, he accuses me of nagging. He knows it’s not rational, but he says it makes him feel better. Even though I understand it, I feel like a hostage to his superstition.”

Why do some men believe that they are the center of the universe? That God is watching them personally, waiting for them to sign estate planning papers before bumping them off? 

Is there any difference between that kind of thinking and not walking under a ladder, wearing garlic around your neck to protect you from vampires or crossing the street when you see a black cat?

What do you think?

Hostage to Her Husband’s Superstition

Some superstitions are harmless, like knocking on wood, carrying a rabbit’s foot or hoping that if you get on a plane with your right foot that the plane won’t crash. I do this last one myself. Silly, but harmless unlike other superstitions that are serious and affect other people. 

For example, the millions of husbands who are superstitious about estate planning and therefore, refuse to do it . Or do it partway but won’t sign all of the papers. Like Ed, whose wife Cynthia, is held hostage by his superstition.

Ed believes that if he signs the durable powers of attorney which are part of their estate plan, God is watching and will snuff him out. Because of Ed’s superstition, Cynthia won’t be able to act on his behalf if he can’t make medical or financial decisions for himself. His adult children from his first marriage will be making those decisions unless he signs the papers giving Cynthia those powers. 

“Ed signed the other papers, but still won’t sign the durable powers of attorney. He says he will, but when I remind him that the planning isn’t complete unless he does sign, he accuses me of nagging. He knows it’s not rational, but he says it makes him feel better. Even though I understand it, I feel like a hostage to his superstition.”

Why do some men believe that they are the center of the universe? That God is watching them personally, waiting for them to sign estate planning papers before bumping them off? 

Is there any difference between that kind of thinking and not walking under a ladder, wearing garlic around your neck to protect you from vampires or crossing the street when you see a black cat?

What do you think?

Can You Take It With You?

I have a photo of a hearse traveling down the highway with a U-Haul hitched behind it. It's not clear whether the hearse belongs to someone who bought it because hearses have lots of storage space, or whether some departed soul is traveling to his final resting place with all his stuff - a latter day Tutenkamen without the gold.

I got to thinking that during the last year, I, like many of my friends, discovered that we don't need the stuff we thought we need. We learned that there's more than enough clothes in our closet to recombine outfits for the next five years. Shoes? We already have pairs for every outfit and occasion. Purses? Ditto. Jewelry? Pouring out of the box.  Kitchen stuff? Drawers and cupboards are filled to the brim with gadgets, pots and dishes. Linens? Colors and patterns  for every occasion. 

Geri, one of my friends, complains that Bill, her husband, is a pack rat who saves everything - even the packaging that everything comes in. Bill is an accountant who likes to know 'where everything is'. They will be selling their home next year and moving to a smaller place. 

Bill is having nightmares of what to keep and what to trash. He wakes up in the midde of the night, worried that he put something from the keep pile into the trash pile. To calm himself, Bill heads for the garage and checks through the piles. 

Geri and Bill went to King Tut exhibit and joked that Tut never had to downsize; he didn't have to get rid of anything. That's true, but inside his gorgeous golden mask, Tut looks like any other 3,300 years old skeleton.

Golden Chariot, previously owned hearse, or ABC storage units, 

Even if you could take it with you, what would you do with it?

His Mother's Secret

When their mother died , it took Mark and Laura a week just to sift through four rows of boxes in the garage. Patricia had kept 65 years worth of letters, receipts, tax returns, warranties, report cards, Valentine, birthday and Mother's day cards. 

One shoebox, tucked inside a carton filled with linen she had never unpacked from her last move, overflowed with envelopes addressed to their mother in old-fashioned script on parchment stationery. The letters bore an unfamiliar address.  

Mark wanted to read them. Laura, sensing the letters might be personal, said, "No, Mom was entitled to her privacy. If she had wanted to share them, she would have done so."

Mark saved the shoebox, planning to sift through the letters another time. That time came six months later when they were vacationing with their families at the house on the lake they had inherited from Patricia. Everyone went fishing and Mark was alone. He pulled the box out from his suitcase. and read each letter, carefully reinserting it into its envelope when he finished it. 

Mark was stunned. His mother had loved his father's brother for forty years. Ashamed of reading the letters when he had agreed not to, Mark decided not to share what he had learned with Laura. It was his turn to bear the burden of his mother's secret. 

Does Mark have the same right to keep a secret that his mother had?

Do you have any secrets you don't want your children to bear?

The Dark Side of Trees

Last weekend, on a warm sunny day, a mother and her baby were having their picture taken under a green leafy tree in New York’s Central Park. A branch snapped off and fell; it killed the baby and seriously injured the mother. 

A few months ago, across the country in California, another tree branch snapped and hit the windshield of a woman merging into freeway traffic. She was killed instantly. Last year, while a friend’s family slept, a tree limb in their front yard toppled, crushed a car in their driveway and fell onto the roof, narrowly missing their own bedroom. 

On warm sunny days, leafy healthy trees don’t drop branches unless you’re filming ‘The Omen’. I’m using these tree examples as a metaphor for things that can’t be explained. We call them acts of God if they’re unexplainable, but bad. They’re called miracles if they’re unexplainable, but good. 


Either way, they’re random events. We can’t predict them or hope they won’t happen because we can’t even imagine that they could. Airplanes as missiles? Unimaginable until 9/11. Oil globules cascading onto hurricane lashed beaches in five states? Unthinkable until last week. 
We still sit under trees but they’re no longer just trees. As they bless us with shade on a hot sunny day, they also show us their kinetic unpredictability. Like people, trees contain the possibility of a dark side unleashed when we least expect it.  

I'm Right; You're Wrong

The poet Walt Whitman wrote in Leaves of Grass  "Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am vast; I contain multitudes." 

I always thought this line was an open ended invitation to growth, a path that recognizes new ways of thinking about and doing things to incorporate learning. Whitman's line runs along in my mind with a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson's from his essay Self-Reliance "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines."

So I'm impressed when someone says "I used to think this way, but the more I learn, the more I reallize there are many ways to look at something...and I've changed my mind about my original position." 

Some people can't do that. They are stuck with an original position, often formed to protect a life's narrative in which others are to blame for their shortcomings or ills. Parents get caught in this trap, as do spouses, bosses, children or anyone who is snared in another's web of certainty.

When we start with " I know..." instead of " I believe...", we shut outself off from new input. Someone who knows needs no more information. I believe people who 'know' have a difficult time maintaining friendships, love relationships and an ability to deal with a universe where change is the only constant. 

I believe knowing you're right means you're stuck. 

Tears at a Father's Funeral

How many people lost their father since last Fathers Day? I know two brothers who buried their father last week. 

Their father and mother were divorced 30 years ago under difficult circumstances. The boys remained close to their mother and rarely saw their father except at holiday dinners . 

When their father took ill a few years ago, the older brother, busy with his company and his own family, shunted responsiblity for helping his father onto his younger brother. The younger son, an attorney, found a home for their father, who at that point was entering the early stages of dementia. He found a caretaker for him and visited as often as he could. 

At the funeral last week, the older son cried as he remembered his father. 'He was an ace tennis player, a pilot, and played the piano beautifully. He taught me to drive, to fly, and to enjoy life. Because of him, I went into business for myself, applying what I'd learned from him to making the business grow." 

The younger son, an attorney who had been much closer to his mother, had no tears yet. He was still in denial, beating himself up that he hadn't done more to help him. 

Nicolas Kristof, writing in today's New York Times, ends his moving piece with "Speak and hug from your heart and soul - while there is still time."

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/20/opinion/20kristof.html?hp

For the two brothers who lost their father last week, time had run out. They will always wonder what they could have said while there was still time.

Parents and Courage

Six months ago, 16-year-old Abby Sunderland set sail from California. Her goal was to beat the record set by her brother, Zac, who sailed solo around the world in 2009 at the age of 17.
Her parents were criticized for their decision to allow her to make the attempt. They claimed she was prepared, mentally and emotionally, to deal with the challenge.


A few days ago, Abby wrote in her blog that she was experiencing several days of rough weather and her boat "was rolling around like crazy". Her family lost contact with her for  20 hours before she was found yesterday.  


I followed her blog posts from the beginning. I was awed by her courage and fortitude. She was so different from many of the teenagers I meet who are immersed in texting, friending, shopping and hanging out. 


I don't know if I could have done what Abby's parents did. I would have feared losing my children. My focus would have been on 'my loss' rather than on 'their dream'. 


Could Abby's dream be an extraordinary case of sibling rivalry, a desire to best her older brother? I don't think so. I think her parents, who knew that their daughter was ready, trusted her character and ability. They believed she should have the same chance as her brother. It's called equal opportunity and it begins in the home.


Abby and Zac are remarkable people. So are their parents. who provided them with a legacy of trust,belief in themselves and the courage and love to let them go. http://tinyurl.com/

Warren Buffett on Love

I admire Warren Buffett, not because of his wealth, but because of his lack of pretention. He doesn't believe that giving money to his kids equates with giving them love. He wanted them to carve out their own path.He believed that 'setting them up with unlimited wealth is harmful and an anti-social act.'

His decision to donate nearly $37 billion to the Gates Foundation may have shocked the world, but it came as no surprise to his three children, whom he'd consulted first. 

A few years ago, his children, Susan, Howard and Peter said they supported their father's decision not to leave all his money to them. http://abcnews.go.com/print?id=2133209

"The truth is it would be insane to leave us that much money," said Susan Buffett. "

Buffett gave about $1 billion total to his children's three charitable foundations: the Susan A. Buffett Foundation, which focuses on early education for children of low-income families; the Howard G. Buffett Foundation, which has helped 42 countries; and the Novo Foundation, Peter Buffett's organization for democracy.

Each Buffett sibling also recently received a letter from their father in which he wrote: "I consider myself lucky to have three children who want to spend much of their time and energy working on projects that will benefit others. I am proud of what you are doing and your mother would be proud as well. Love, Dad." 

That's love, Buffett style.

Entitlement Hurts Children and Parents

In my new book, I tell the story of some friends whose daughter lost a significant part of her portfolio in the 2008 financial downturn. Their daughter had promised her own children that they could go to horseback riding camp the following summer.
Instead of explaining to her children about why she couldn’t afford to send them to camp, the daughter approached my friends, her parents, and suggested they provide the money for their grandchildren instead of taking their own long planned cruise.

This is an example of how entitlement cascades from generation to generation if no one heads it off. Entitlement is a one-way mindset, a pattern of focusing on what we are owed in all relationships without awareness of our own obligations. Children raised with entitlement, rather than learning a sense of personal responsibility, believe the world revolves around them. When it comes to grandchildren, this can present even more of a problem.

Children and grandchildren need to learn the meaning of the words “We can’t afford it.” When you can’t afford, on your own, to do something, you explain to your children  that they can’t have something until you can afford it, or until they earn the money to do it. Children can handle disappointment if you’re straight with them.

How else can you prepare children for the real world? And why should two grandparents give up a trip they’ve been planning for themselves to send their grandchildren to horseback riding camp? And why would their daughter expect them to do so? You’ll be happy to know they didn’t do it. Wisdom may be late in coming, but better late than never.

A Mother's Day Gift

A mother is a terrible thing to waste. To all adult children who point to their mother as the focal point of their life’s misfortunes, this is a Mother’s Day wake-up call. 

Millions of adult children spend millions of dollars on the therapists couch, reviewing and ruminating about everything their mother did or didn’t do, does or doesn’t do. These adults, many with children of their own, don’t see themselves as the imperfect human their own mother is.

If Mom is still alive, they dread spending time with her or remove themselves from her life altogether. If she’s already gone, they may feel relieved that they don’t have to put up with her anymore. 

I think that mother blaming should have, like meat, produce and dairy products, an expiration date. The mother who didn’t measure up to demands or expectations earlier may not be able to do it now. She’s caught in her own circle of pain for things she may or may not know she did, or if she knows, she may not know how to forgive herself. 

Call your Mom on Mother’s Day, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve spoken with her. Tell her that you’d once again like to share your life with her. Tell her you’ve learned some things, grown a lot, and want to reconnect. The thing about a mother’s heart is that it’s infinitely elastic when it comes to love. 

It’s the 40/70 rule. If you’re 40 and your Mom is 70, it’s time to mend two broken hearts. 

Tags: blame, forgiveness, Mom, mother, mother love, reconnect, therapy

What Great Grandma Remembers

When Loretta moved from assisted living to nursing care at age 92, she knew the space around her bed would be smaller. She had to choose which framed photos to take with her.  She selected a group photo of her three children, eight grandchildren and three great grandchildren taken a few years ago at her 90th birthday party.


On the wall in front of her bed, her family placed Loretta's university diplomas, her law degree and a certificate designating her qualification to argue cases at the Supreme Court. So much of Loretta's identity related to those accomplishments. She had been in the vanguard of women who had a career and raised a family before the two generations that followed her considered it commonplace.

While Loretta had resided in the assisted living area of the home, she could still move around, meet the other people, eat in the dining room and participate in social activities. Now, she had trouble swallowing and needed to be fed with a tube. She had never been a whiner. Her mind was sharp: she knew she had to do this if she wanted to stay alive. Her first great granddaughter was taking the bar exam; Loretta wanted to live to congratulate her. Loretta stared at the diplomas on the wall in front of her and savored her memories.

Loretta is leaving a legacy for her family which no amount of money could have provided. In life, and now moving towards death, Loretta is doing it her way. Frank Sinatra would have loved her!

I wish I could have interviewed Loretta for my book Money Love and Legacy: Conversations that Matter between Generations. But you can meet others like her in the pages. 

The Happiness Industry

Remember when menopause was the newest new thing? You'd think it was some scientific breakthrough or archeological discovery that would change the course of our  lives. 

Today, the newest new thing is happiness. Defining it, finding and keeping it has emerged as a new industry. Comparing happiness quotients around the world is daily media fare. 

Research shows the so-called "set point" for happiness is 50 percent genetic. After that, our circumstances in life such as gender, age, relationships and how we get to spend our time are what contribute the other half of the happiness quotient. Apparently, we can only be just so happy, thanks to our genetic makeup.The impact of circumstance just moves us up or down within the genetic band.

Searching for happiness is like chasing your tail. As long as you're chasing it, it's continually out of reach. I'm amazed at how gullible we are, turning  to 'happiness experts' who spout cliches - appreciate, enjoy, be grateful, etc. We assume that they are must know more about happiness than we do.

Maybe it's the times we live in. The Declaration of Independence doesn't guarantee happiness. It guarantees the right to pursue it. I don't know about you, but pursuing anything makes me unhappy.